Friends With Benefits

Topic of the Week:  Friends With Benefits

…..or FWB as it is commonly referred to by the college age or young adults is really about people who have sex with someone they have a “friendship” with without having a romantic relationship or romantic intentions.  Imagine having someone who you can grab lunch with, go to the movies with, talk on the phone with, look your worst around and have sex with….all without the strings or fear of rejection.  Can this really work?  What attracts people to this type of arrangement?

According to a study done by Timothy Levine, a communications professor, and graduate student, Melissa Bisson, both from Michigan State, 60 percent of the 125 college students that they surveyed  acknowledged having had at least one FWB.  According to Dr. Levine, people entered this type of relationship because they didn’t want a committment and that it was thought to be safe, at least in the beginning.  To read an article in the New York Times that gives more of the details of the study you can click here. 

While this study focused on the younger generation, how does FWB play out for people in their 40’s and beyond?  Are baby boomers more inclined to engage in a sexually casual relationship because they have had the experience of marriage and long term romantic relaltionships that didn’t work out, and now would prefer not to be bothered with the fall out that insues when the romantic relationship falls apart or the responsibilites that come with a full blown relationship? 

I wonder if it is really possible to be sexually involved with someone and not have an emotional attachment.  I can only speak for the female perspective, and may be a bit old fashioned, but sex is such an intimate sharing of one’s self. How could one not be hurt when the other “friend” calls off the deal for one reason or another? 

I knew a woman who in her mid 40’s had an FWB.  What initially started out romatically ended up as an FWB because her male counterpart was not interested in the complications of a traditional relationship.  They enjoyed each other’s company and had a lot in common, and yes….they had great sex.  She eventually ended their relationship because she met her husband.  When talking to her about it afterwards she admitted that she was secretly glad that she was the one who ended their arrangement because she would have been hurt if the position had been reversed….a bit damaging to her ego she said.  When I asked her if she learned a lesson she admitted that she missed feeling “special” and “loved” and that while she escaped any real hurt, she would not do it again.

What are your thoughts or experience on FWB?  What lessons have you or someone you know learned?

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Romance in the Workplace

This Week’s Topic: Workplace Romance

Have you or someone you know been involved in a workplace romance? According to a 2005 survey conducted by Vault, 58% of employees admitted to having been involved in an office romance.

It is not surprising that office romances occur. People work closely together on projects, share common goals and spend long periods of time together. Isn’t it only natural that they would bond and forge relationships? What starts out as a friendship innocently changes into something more as two people get to know each other. You share a couple of lunches and a few laughs and the next thing you know…..BOOM….sparks fly and cupid strikes!

Now as long as the wine is flowing and roses are in bloom there is no problem. However, what happens when the wheels come off and the romance becomes a train wreck? Now the loving couple can’t stand the sight of each other, which makes for some serious disruption in productivity if they are professionally connected on a project. A situation like this could make for a mighty unpleasant working environment for the innocent bystanders who often need to work with both people and are then in the uncomfortable position of possibly taking sides or acting a mediators.

Let’s take a look at the ramifications for the dumper and the dumpee (for the sake of argument we will assume it wasn’t mutual). The dumper, if in the position of authority has left him or herself wide open for a whopping harassment charge. The dumpee must face his/her heartbreak every day. Stalking….slander…..physical confrontations…anything is possible. I once read an article about a woman who brought all of her co-working ex’s toiletries into work and threw them on his desk….including his medication for ED (erectile dysfunction).

A long time ago, my first mentor offered me the sage advice that it is best to avoid finding love in the workplace and surprisingly, this is one relationship mistake I did manage to avoid. I have seen romance in the workplace work. I have several colleagues who met at work and are happily married today. However, I wonder if that is the norm.

What are your experiences? Do you have a story to share? What lessons have you learned through your experience or the experience of others?

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Short and Sweet-But There Is Still a Lesson!

It doesn’t have to be a full blown love affair to teach you a lesson.  Sometimes even the briefest encounters can still teach us something that we need to know.  The following is an actual story that happened to one of my friends.  No names are being used to protect the innocent!

My friend, who was about 42 at the time, was out for some dinner and dancing with her girlfriends.  At about 9, the restraunt took on more of a club atmosphere.  As she made her way through the crowd, she felt someone tug on her arm.  It was a rather attractive man, a bit on the short side for her, but he was dressed well and had a killer smile.  He was dressed in a suit…..she was always a sucker for a man in a nice suit with a great Windsor knot.  (Her first husband was a killer dresser, other women thought so too)  When she asked him what he did for a living, he said, “I find homes for the homeless.”  He was a realtor.  (OK…he has a sense of humor)

After some playful banter they exchanged phone numbers and went their separate ways.  He called and they set a date to meet for drinks then go to the movies.  After drinks they were to head for the movies, but there was one hitch, he didn’t have a car.  Well, he had one, but because he had TWO DUI’s on his record, he never drove when he knew he would be drinking. 

Now there are two ways to look at that…..one may say that he was responsible.  Another may say he had a problem.  After the movie she had to drive him home.  Of course he invited her in and she went.  (OK ladies….let’s not be judgemental here…we have all done stupid things)  Although the house was sparcely furnished because his wife had gotten most of the furniture in the divorce (some would say this is another red flag) there was no lack of alcohol.  Out came the champagne and an invitation to join him in his hot tub.  Plus, he wanted to set another date to take her out on his boat!  Wow!  (He doesn’t drive a car, but drives a boat? Hmmmm)

She declined his offers of champagne and the hot tub, but she DID consider a day on his boat.  So….what did she do?  Common sense prevailed, something told her that it wasn’t a good idea.

LESSON(s) LEARNED:  Many

• If something, better known as your inner voice, tells you not to do something, don’t do it! 
• Two DUI’s and still drinking is not a good sign that the man has seen the error of his ways.
• Don’t succumb to the same old attraction….in this case a nice suit and a great smile.  Be open to something different, it may just work for you.

So…..what is your short and sweet story?  Don’t forget to tell us the lesson you learned!

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