Topic of the Week: Friends With Benefits
…..or FWB as it is commonly referred to by the college age or young adults is really about people who have sex with someone they have a “friendship” with without having a romantic relationship or romantic intentions. Imagine having someone who you can grab lunch with, go to the movies with, talk on the phone with, look your worst around and have sex with….all without the strings or fear of rejection. Can this really work? What attracts people to this type of arrangement?
According to a study done by Timothy Levine, a communications professor, and graduate student, Melissa Bisson, both from Michigan State, 60 percent of the 125 college students that they surveyed acknowledged having had at least one FWB. According to Dr. Levine, people entered this type of relationship because they didn’t want a committment and that it was thought to be safe, at least in the beginning. To read an article in the New York Times that gives more of the details of the study you can click here.
While this study focused on the younger generation, how does FWB play out for people in their 40’s and beyond? Are baby boomers more inclined to engage in a sexually casual relationship because they have had the experience of marriage and long term romantic relaltionships that didn’t work out, and now would prefer not to be bothered with the fall out that insues when the romantic relationship falls apart or the responsibilites that come with a full blown relationship?
I wonder if it is really possible to be sexually involved with someone and not have an emotional attachment. I can only speak for the female perspective, and may be a bit old fashioned, but sex is such an intimate sharing of one’s self. How could one not be hurt when the other “friend” calls off the deal for one reason or another?
I knew a woman who in her mid 40’s had an FWB. What initially started out romatically ended up as an FWB because her male counterpart was not interested in the complications of a traditional relationship. They enjoyed each other’s company and had a lot in common, and yes….they had great sex. She eventually ended their relationship because she met her husband. When talking to her about it afterwards she admitted that she was secretly glad that she was the one who ended their arrangement because she would have been hurt if the position had been reversed….a bit damaging to her ego she said. When I asked her if she learned a lesson she admitted that she missed feeling “special” and “loved” and that while she escaped any real hurt, she would not do it again.
What are your thoughts or experience on FWB? What lessons have you or someone you know learned?
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August 9, 2008 at 11:46 am
I have been married so long that I can’t even imagine having a FWB. And, at my tender age, I’d be concerned about showing my “birthday suit” in all its dimpled glory. I’ll be checking back to see what others have to say about this. I know this will bring up an interesting discussion!
August 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I hear ya regarding those “dimples.”
August 9, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I met my wife as a result of a FWB relationship. The relationship was easy to get started with a simple verbal contract but after a while the feelings for each other were dispursed unevenly. We encounterd my obsticals and after a while we nearly killed each other(not literaly). The secong time the based on emotional denial relationship broke, We came to the conclusion that we had to grow up and admit our love for one another. We were married that week.
Whats funnny is how people interpret our marrage now. We never really dated or were engaged but at the same time maybe we were engaged the whole time. 6 years of testing boudaries, commiting and compromising sounds like a relationship dispite if any one admits it.
August 9, 2008 at 2:30 pm
A man’s point of view! The point you made regarding feelings being uneven was one of the points that was discussed in the NYT article and I do think that is a risk that is unavoidable. Thanks for your comment!
August 9, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever had a FWB, but I have had sex without a relationship and it’s hurtful – to everyone involved male and female alike.
I recommend that women turn to toys instead of hurtful psuedo relationships. This actually isn’t an area I’ve explored, but it sounds fun! Why not claim your sexual health and fulfillment as your own when you’re not in a relationship?!
On another note, a woman friend of mine recently told me that sex can be more of an emotional experience for women because we are taking a man into our bodies, ourselves.
Thanks for bringing up this topic! I do believe that it helps to talk openly.
Here’s to good, healthy sex!
~ Cassandra
August 9, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I agree with you and your friend. I do think it is difficult for women to separate their emotions when sex is involved.
August 10, 2008 at 1:53 am
my experience is also that woman have a harder time with seperating emotions. But men become reliant on woman very easy and quickly. Women are not as likely to have other FWB’s at the same time, but if they do, i guarentee the man will find that he is just as emotionaly attached.
Nice blog. It an interesting topic.
Floyd
August 10, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Good thing I’m married. I’m too emotional for a relationship like that.
August 13, 2008 at 10:12 pm
I am a forty something divorced single mom, and have found that friends with benefits are the best kind. Between work, kids and life, I don’t have time for a relationship, and am not looking for one, but it is nice to be able to have that closeness without having to have that commitment. I am sure I am more the abnorm than the norm, but that is my perspective!!
August 24, 2008 at 10:17 am
You mean like in Juno when they do it because they are bored and thought it would be fun. PUHlease! How shallow can you get.