Have you ever felt that you are just not fit to pick? No matter how hard you try, no matter how careful you are, no matter what red flags you try to be aware of, you head down the same road as before and you just pick the wrong man.
Romantic relationships are funny things. They can be fleeting and short term, leaving little impact on who you are as a person or they can be dramatic and life altering. We tend to forget those short termers, maybe having a few chuckles with the girls over them. However, those big ones, especially the ones most painful, we never forget.
As we become older, we often look back at those relationships and hopefully reflect on the lessons we have learned from them. We pass the insights we gave gained onto other women…our friends, our sisters and our daughters. I suppose our hope is that we can save them from some of the heartache that we have experienced ourselves.
The Inspiration
A friend of mine recently ended a marriage that was very short in time, but long on hurt. As most women do, our circle of friends banded together to lend her the support she needed. We have spent hours talking not just about her marriage but our relationships as well. During one of our conversations, she shouted out in frustration, “I’m not fit to pick!” After we finished laughing I asked her about what she thought were the lesson(s) she learned from this relationship. There were many!
I began to think, why should we keep our stories and our valuable lessons learned all to ourselves. Everyone has a story…..some funny, some sad…..but there is always a lesson if we look for it.
So….what is your story? Share it with some cyber girlfriends! What lessons have you learned? Have you ever thought I’m not fit to pick?
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Not Fit To Pick 
July 28, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I wish you well in your new blog. I hope it becomes a place where women can learn from each other and not just complain about men.
Many years ago, through therapy and other learning, I concluded that my task was to become the person I wanted to be in order to attract that man of my dreams. I’ve been married 29+ years and am still madly in love.
Whenever there were problems, and I thought about leaving, I always asked myself, “What is your contribution to this mess?” and “Am I absolutely sure I’ve learned everything I’m supposed to learn from this relationship.” We’re still together.
July 28, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I agree with you Cathy. This blog is not about complaining or bashing men. It is about exactly what you cited in your comment….learning from relationships, both our own and the relationships of others. Thanks for your post and well wishes!
July 29, 2008 at 1:52 am
Something I have learned through bad relationships, is that the failure would play on my self-worth. I had to realize that I am made in the image of God and He is the only one who can place value on me.
I also learned to take my time to get to know someone. My husband and I were close friends before we got married. We loved each other from the get go, but we had to take time to see if we liked each other. We did and we will celebrate #16 this December.
July 29, 2008 at 2:30 am
Hi Eileen,
Congrats on the birth of a new blog!
You are so clear in your thoughts and your writing. I am sure that you will be a sounding board for a lot of women.
Good for you,
Sally
http://www.drsallywitt.com
July 29, 2008 at 2:50 am
Thank you! Heaven knows I have learned MANY lessons!
July 29, 2008 at 2:57 am
Pam….two valuable lessons in one! It is so true that we often let our self esteem take a hit during a bad relationship, and friendship is so important. We take time to cultivate our friendships with women, yet are often so eager to skip over that part in our romantic relationships. Why is that? Boy, that could open a psychological kettle of worms.
July 29, 2008 at 3:16 am
Eileen,
My hairdresser went through almost the exact same experience. She would always end up with men who abused her. She came to the conclusion that she kept picking the wrong man out of her desperation to have companionship. Once she did some serious soul searching and placed herself above having a man, she found her MR. RIGHT! And all of her girlfriends agree, she got it right this time!
July 28, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Beverly,
I do think the most progress comes with self reflection. I don’t think we should shame and blame ourselves, but look to what is our part. As you may know I am a teacher. I also teach a staff development course to fellow teachers. When I do the piece on managing discipline, I tell the teachers that reasearch shows that 80% of discipline problems stem from something over which the teacher has control. They aren’t always crazy about this point, but again it is about reflecting and looking at what we need to do to cause change.
August 3, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Thank you, Eileen, for creating this blog. I wish you had been around when I went through the breakup of my first marriage. It took a long time to learn that the cheating and the lying and the abuse weren’t because of me but because of his own issues. And besides – if I would have had a group of other ladies to warn me that any man who is about to make me wife #4 has problems, I might have skipped that whole ordeal from the start! LOL!
August 3, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Melodieann,
You are welcome! You have brought up a very good lesson that all women of any age need to learn….cheating, lying and abuse are never our responsibility. We may have to lay claim to our part in choosing such a person in the first place, and examine our motives closely so we don’t make the same choice again, but we are not responsible for someone elses behavior, nor should it be tolerated.
My friends and I talk all of the time about really looking at warning signs and paying attention to them. However, I do think that when we are in love we genuinely want to believe the best in the person, and we think we will be the one who is different. I know a woman who before she was married, all of her friends pleaded with her to call off the wedding, but she didn’t. She followed her heart, is now divorced and has learned many lessons. I do think we become wiser with age. I have made my share of mistakes, but I refuse to beat myself up over them. Instead I choose to learn from them and move forward. The human spirit is so resiliant!