This blog usually concentrates on the relationships between men and women, however, this week I am taking the liberty to look at a different relationship; the one between a mother and daughter.
The inspiration for this week is my daughter’s departure to college for the first time. Although she has spent time away from home, the semi-permanence of her leaving for college has provoked a firestorm of emotion for both of us, and a tremendous amount of reflection on my part.
When I found out that my second child would be a girl I was paralyzed with fear. My relationship with my mother was somewhat tumultuous. While in some respects she was a tremendous role model of strength and conviction, she was not exactly the traditional mother and source of guidance that a girl may hope for. As I grew older, I began to realize that she had done the best she could given her circumstances and I made my peace with her and accepted her warts and all. That sort of vision is something I believe comes with age. However, I did question whether I would be able to mother my daughter the way I had longed to be mothered. Would I be able to avoid the mistakes that I think my own mother had made? Would I be able to be everything my daughter would want in a mother? Would I be able to instill in her the confidence and self assurance that I felt I did not have?
When my son left for college 3 years ago, it afforded my daughter and I the opportunity to spend an incredible amount of one on one time. I view that time as an amazing gift. I have enjoyed her so much….all of the small things from watching our favorite tv shows together to the big events such as shopping for prom dresses and preparing for high school graduation. She was an easy teenager, maybe easier than I was, and we rarely fought. She attended the high school where I teach, and until she started driving, we spent our morning rides in and our afternoon rides home. I loved the afternoons when I could catch up on the happenings of the day while they were still fresh in her mind. I coached her through her struggles with pre-cal and celebrated her success in AP English. When I started my business, she attended my public appearances and acted as photographer. She was my biggest fan. For Christmas last year her gift to me was a scrapbook she had made of my business endeavor. We have laughed and we have cried together. We have celebrated victories and mourned the loss of a close classmate.
In the last few days since she has been gone, we have shared more tears. I have again put on my cheerleader hat and been forced to find the balance between the nurturer and reinforcer. I miss her terribly and it pains me to hear her cry, but I know that this will pass and before I know it the phone calls three times a day and the instant messages will diminish. She will make her life and prepare to move on. This is what I have prepared her for and I know she is ready….she just doesn’t know it yet. It is so bittersweet.
What lessons have I learned? Time passes so quickly….. live in every moment you have with your children. Love them and let them know it openly and often. Be available…not just physically but emotionally too. Help them to build the skills and confidence they need to make it through the difficult times with grace and courage. Finally, the past does not dictate the future and that I didn’t need to be afraid of being my girl’s mother. We do have the power to do things differently.
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August 16, 2008 at 11:30 am
This is a lovely post. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing the remarkable relationship you have with your daughter.
My own is now in her thirties and lives on the opposite side of the country. She’s happily married and come into her fullness as a woman.
Letting go is hard but seeing your child grown, independent, and successful is the most rewarding feeling a parent can have.
August 16, 2008 at 11:34 am
Believe me….I had tears as I wrote it! I love your expression as you describe your daughter’s “fullness as a woman.” I can only imagine what an awesome feeling that must be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
August 16, 2008 at 11:49 am
My daughter also left for college this week but my experience has been different than yours. I blogged about it: http://www.bmahone.bravejournal.com
August 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Hi Eileen,
Unless someone needed my counseling or advice, I am not in the single groove for topics like “Friends with Benefits”! My husband would be shocked to know that I even typed that. LOL
I do understand Mothers and Daughters as a subject quite well. I moved back from Southern California to the east coast to be near my parents as an adult, and then went into business with my Mom. Our corporation was even named “The Mother/Daughter Team”. We were quite celebrated and recognized as a real estate team.
I love that I had those years with my Mom. Every meeting that we went to, every luncheon, was fun and exciting. I was so proud to work with her. After only a bit of time, she had an accident at a Sam’s Club – heavy frozen things fell on her head. We are still together, but she never really was able to work again after that.
I went on to work as “the Mother/Daughter Team” to honor her.
We all live together now, and take care of each other. I am proud to be in a 3 generation household. My Mom and Dad, my husband and myself, and my sister and her two children. It is not easy every day, but the whole experience is wonderful.
I love my Mom in a special way, and always did – even when I was young and independent!
Hugs,
Sally
http://www.stopsmokingwithdrsally.com
August 16, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I love that story. It’s the kind of relationship every mother wants to have with her daughter. Sounds like you did a fine job.
August 16, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I have no children but I can imagine the huge change in your life as your children leave the home.
What a nice way to say how much you enjoyed your daughter.
August 16, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Thanks Ladies!! Now if I can figure out what to do with my 21 year old son who is feeling his oats I will find some peace!!
August 16, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Eileen,
Your story brought back memories of sending my daughters off to college. The transition wasn’t without pain and an emptiness, but I was so proud to see them grow into responsible adults, and my best friends.
August 25, 2008 at 8:55 am
What a wonderful tribute to your daughter – and to you as a mother. My own daughter is 26 married with children of her own. Reading your story reminded me of my own feelings when she left home. Our relationship was a bit more tumultuous than you seem to have had with your daughter. Nevertheless, it was hard to help her pack and watch her move halfway across the country to go to college. But I am so proud of what she has accomplished. We have grown closer than ever.
August 29, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I am the mother of 3 beautiful girls, ages 9,6,and 1. Reading your story struck such a cord with me. I am very close with my own mother (we talk every day, hang out whenever we can) and I hope that my girls will grow and be the same way with me.
Mother-daughter relationships are so complex but at the time simple and sweet and your post showed that. Thank you for sharing!
August 30, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Kandice,
Thank you for your thoughtful words. Enjoy those beautiful girls! The time passes so quickly. My girl has made a wonderful adjustment and is loving being on her own. Success! I am so proud, but I must admit, I think she is doing better than I am. I miss her terribly, but I love hearing the excitement in her voice. This is just the next chapter for us.
September 1, 2008 at 12:37 am
Oh, how your story brings the recent tears back to my eyes!!
I, too, sent my daughter off to college last week for her 2nd year, but this time was different…..And so much harder!
She came home as a freshman with an excitement to enjoy her family, her summertime, a new job, and friends…..What transpired in 3 short months was beyond my wildest dreams!
She went away on a mission trip to Costa Rica, and came home a much more mature, independent and opinionated daughter, than the one who left. I admire her spunk and ability to reason, but I still want to just reach out and hold her, as I have always done (and she has allowed) – to make us BOTH feel better!
Then reality set in, and as we packed her up to return to school three states away, she declared she WOULDN’T be home next summer….that she would be staying in her college city, working and taking classes. I couldn’t believe it, or didn’t want to believe it, but knew deep down, that my little baby ‘bird’ had flapped her wings long enough, and now truly wanted to fly!
(Maybe its just me, but I don’t think my mother ever had the same feelings when I left home for college, but then I wasn’t around her to know, was I?)
As we all strive to raise our children to be ‘the best they can be’, to go out and embark on all the world has to offer, it is still with hesitation that I tell my daughter, ‘everything will be okay’. (Will it?) She still believes ‘mother knows best'(Do I?) in some cases, and I only hope that when she has her own daughter, she realizes then, how much love it took, just to let her go.
September 1, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Cindy,
Your sentiments are so beautifully put! Letting them go is so hard. Today, my son left to begin his senior year. I sobbed again. I am so proud of both of them, and excited as they begin their lives. However, as I said before, this is SO bittersweet. You are so right….it does take so much love to let them go.