This blog usually concentrates on the relationships between men and women, however, this week I am taking the liberty to look at a different relationship; the one between a mother and daughter.

The inspiration for this week is my daughter’s departure to college for the first time.  Although she has spent time away from home, the semi-permanence of her leaving for college has provoked a firestorm of emotion for both of us, and a tremendous amount of reflection on my part.

When I found out that my second child would be a girl I was paralyzed with fear.  My relationship with my mother was somewhat tumultuous.  While in some respects she was a tremendous role model of strength and conviction, she was not exactly the traditional mother and source of guidance that a girl may hope for.  As I grew older, I began to realize that she had done the best she could given her circumstances and I made my peace with her and accepted her warts and all.  That sort of vision is something I believe comes with age.  However, I did question whether I would be able to mother my daughter the way I had longed to be mothered.  Would I be able to avoid the mistakes that I think my own mother had made?  Would I be able to be everything my daughter would want in a mother?  Would I be able to instill in her the confidence and self assurance that I felt I did not have?

When my son left for college 3 years ago, it afforded my daughter and I the opportunity to spend an incredible amount of one on one time.  I view that time as an amazing gift.  I have enjoyed her so much….all of the small things from watching our favorite tv shows together to the big events such as shopping for prom dresses and preparing for high school graduation.  She was an easy teenager, maybe easier than I was, and we rarely fought.  She attended the high school where I teach, and until she started driving, we spent our morning rides in and our afternoon rides home.  I loved the afternoons when I could catch up on the happenings of the day while they were still fresh in her mind.  I coached her through her struggles with pre-cal and celebrated her success in AP English.  When I started my business, she attended my public appearances and acted as photographer.  She was my biggest fan. For Christmas last year her gift to me was a scrapbook she had made of my business endeavor.  We have laughed and we have cried together.  We have celebrated victories and mourned the loss of a close classmate. 

In the last few days since she has been gone, we have shared more tears.  I have again put on my cheerleader hat and been forced to find the balance between the nurturer and reinforcer.  I miss her terribly and it pains me to hear her cry, but I know that this will pass and before I know it the phone calls three times a day and the instant messages will diminish.  She will make her life and prepare to move on.  This is what I have prepared her for and I know she is ready….she just doesn’t know it yet. It is so bittersweet. 

What lessons have I learned?   Time passes so quickly….. live in every moment you have with your children.  Love them and let them know it openly and often.  Be available…not just physically but emotionally too.  Help them to build the skills and confidence they need to make it through the difficult times with grace and courage.   Finally, the past does not dictate the future and that I didn’t need to be afraid of being my girl’s mother.  We do have the power to do things differently.

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